Gifts

On the night of the New Moon, I went to an open ritual that was held at the hub of our pagan community. Since it was an open ritual, I am not divulging any secrets here.

The ritual took us into the underworld. We were ushered through the gates of hell where we had to pay a toll of safe passage. We were lead by the hounds of hell to the place we would commune with Hecate. We were allowed to ask a question if we wanted, but we were not permitted to ask for clarification or more information.

When it was my turn to speak to Hecate, I knelt before the "Goddess." Knowing She would be able to understand the intricacies of my question. I simply asked if my gifts were being returned to me. Hecate's response was "When you need me, I will be there."
Confused, and slightly disappointed, I was shuffled away by one of the hell hounds.

I pondered this response all night and all the next day. Maybe Hecate hadn't fully understood what I had asked.

Still I pondered.

I tell you that story to tell you this:
Today I went into my local book exchange, which I frequent very regularly. and I was browsing the meager selection of New Age/Pagan/Wicca/ Occult section of the store.
There were the usual ghost stories, a large selection of Sylvia Browne, and surprisingly two different Scott Cunningham books, which I already own. I lifted my eyes and right there on the top shelf, staring back at me was a well cared for, revised and extended copy of "Drawing Down The Moon" by Margot Adler.

It sang to me "Aaaaahhhh, Take me hoooooommmme." As I picked up my new found treasure I felt the weight of it. Not the number of lbs the book physically weighed, but the POWER and SPIRITUAL weight this book carries.

I heard the voice of Hecate again "When you need me, I will be there." And suddenly, a light bulb went off. I had asked if my innate gifts were being returned to me, and I believe that they are. What I hadn't realized before was the fact that I am receiving more gifts than I even realize. Signs that affirm everyday that I am on the correct path. Little "Aha!" moments that keep me wanting more.

I opened myself up again after MANY years behind psychic walls and I asked for my gifts to be returned. I have waited patiently and I am seeing that I was heard and acknowledged. I feel I am becoming more and more in tune every day. I still have a long way to go, but my eyes are open and I am ready for the journey. And I know the Goddess will be right there with me every step of the way.

An eye opening experience

Recently I wanted to create an amulet for someone and due to moon phases and time constraints I was unable to take to time to cast a circle in which I could add some protective magick. I decided that I did not need to physically cast circle, and instead I planned to visit my internal sacred space and complete my magical working there. The problem with this plan is that I am not the best ?meditater? in the world. My mind wanders. I can't get to my internal sacred space before I feel the need to run back and check to make sure I turned the oven off.

I had never actually taken the journey to my sacred space before, I had only created what it looked like. I have never even been able to relax enough to reach a meditative state! Yet for some reason I thought I would be able to reach alpha, journey to my internal sacred space, cast a circle, perform a magical working and make my way back all in my first REAL attempt.

Here is what I learned: That was a bad idea.

I had to struggle to even picture my internal space. I had to force the visualization of my circle casting. It wasn't until I actually picked up the amulet that I was able to even begin to focus on the energy needed for the magick. Once I physically held the item in my hands I was able to bring myself to the place I needed to be.
I feel like the right energy went into the item and that I accomplished what I wanted to do, but I also feel like it could have been much more focused. I am happy with the final result, just not the journey to the finished product.

I do feel that the experience brought me to the realization that I can not just jump into meditation like I had planned, but that it is a learned skill that I will be working vigilantly to improve.
Strangely enough it took the act of physically closing my eyes to have them spiritually opened.

Ten days 'til lonely

I am sitting here tonight thinking about 15 things I need to be doing, projects I should be working on and emails I need to send. Yet, I can't bring myself to work on any of them. I am feeling the "winter blues." I have not felt this way in many years, but this year I am overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and stress. Not because of the presents I feel obligated to buy or the bills that will accumulate, but because I am about to be alone.
You see, my husband is in the military and he will be leaving our home in ten short days for a one year duty station in Bahrain. He will be going unaccompanied which means I will be here in the states alone. I won't technically be alone, I do have my son and I have friends and family around, but for all intents and purposes, I will be alone.
My husband is my partner, my warm place, my best friend. I can be my true self, I can tell him anything and I feel safe when he is near. For the next year I will have to hold in all of the things I want to tell him until we can find a compatible time each day to chat on skype. I will have to put extra blankets on the bed to keep me warm at night instead of simply scooting over to steal his body heat. I will have to search and program all of my own shows to DVR. I am going to have to take out the garbage! Ugh!!!
Granted, I am completely capable of doing all of these things on my own, it is just soooooo nice to have someone, no, not someone, my husband here with me to share these things with.
Yes, I will have more time to read, but I won't be able to talk about the book as I am reading it. I will have more time to study and practice my path, but I won't be able to share my experiences and questions with him as they arise. I will have the entire house to myself, but...
So I am sitting here thinking of all of the things I need to get done, but all I really want to do is sit on the sofa, snuggle up with my husband and enjoy these last ten days together before he has to leave. After all, my to-do list will still need to be done in eleven days.

Just a quick "hello."

Well, here it is. My first blog entry. This is my spot to ramble, question and reflect. I plan to add entries every few days, but since this is new to me, I have never even owned a paper journal, I make no guarantees. Wish me luck!